One of the most difficult parts of my battle with an eating disorder was coming to terms with having this mental illness when so many people around me were supporting it, without even knowing.

Now that’s not to say that these individuals are to blame for my struggles with disordered eating. However, the toxic culture surrounding dieting, exercise, and health that all of us have unfortunately been exposed to directly contributed to the glorification of my eating disorder by some of my friends and family.

Through social media and diet culture, we are taught to celebrate weight loss before we are even aware of how this change has occurred. I experienced this first-hand when I was typically greeted by friends & family members with statements telling me how “good” I looked and how they “wish they were as healthy as me”.

Why were they wishing to be me when all I wanted to do was disappear? When I heard these statements and so-called compliments at social gatherings and events I felt as if I was doing something right. My eating disorder was validated. To me, it felt like a sign that I needed to keep going. I needed to lose more weight. I needed to restrict even more foods from my diet. I needed to exercise even more.

When did I come to terms with my eating disorder? After almost two years of silently and unknowingly battling this mental illness, I finally had enough. I can still picture the moment when my mom started to cry when giving me a hug after we had argued about me getting help for my eating disorder. She no longer recognized her own daughter. She was scared of who I had become. She didn’t know how to help. She couldn’t understand what I was doing to myself and will never fully understand it.

I denied my illness for so long because I thought I had finally achieved the definition of healthy that is preached by so many. But once I began to see the hurt I was causing to those I loved along with the physical damages I was doing to my body, I found my voice again outside of the loud noise of my eating disorder that had made a home in my head for so long. I knew I had to let go of this distorted voice before it took everything that I loved away from me.

Recovery is a choice I have to make each & every day. Being able to share these personal stories and thoughts with others has truly helped me to recognize how severe and life-changing my battle really was.

At the time, my eating disorder had become a part of my identity. I was proud to give into the voice telling me that I needed to be smaller. Here I am now, grateful to be able to recognize that this disordered eating voice wasn’t me all along.

Although this journey towards recovery has been difficult, I am so happy to say that I listen to the voice in my head that tells me to live a fulfilling life free of the thoughts consumed with food and exercise. I can still be healthy without giving in to the toxic beliefs that I have to look a certain way, eat a certain way, and exercise a certain amount. I am healthiest when I listen to my body and what it tells me.